First fan site!

First among equals

An eagle-eyed reader spotted this Polyp fan site and brought it to my attention. I'm so glad they did because the folks at Archie McPhee are terrific! They have some really amazing photos in their photostream and you should totally check them out. However they are too modest by far and I want to bring everyone's attention to this wonderful  homage they made for me.

While they do not mention Polyp's Pride anywhere at all, and the creative commons license on this image specifically asks that I not claim they endorse me, I think we can all agree to read between the lines together. And what I'm seeing here between the lines is that they have created a kind of Polypy nativity scene: Polyp rises from the noodly primordial goo at the beginning of time, my first triumph. A big day for me.

Of course, this image is a figurative abstraction. In order to truly represent those first gasping, desperate moments when the universe began, you would need many more colors and dimensions and also to be gasping and desperate. Things were really tough back then because the universe was very small but also filled all space, twisting around and back into itself. It was simultaneously completely bounded by all non-zero measures but also was infinitely huge and vast because it filled and consumed and was everything. I believe this Archie McPhee image hints at the pivotal moment where, now existing, I took a leap of desire Out of the Deep Madness and took mastery over the reins of destiny, riding the afterbirth of creation to the ends of time - and back.

After a while, things calmed down enough for me to relax and start this blog. Reader, thanks for this blast from the past. Your thank-you gift is in the mail!

Late night overshare

As a hyper-dimensional being from outer space, I can tell you that the earth is a pretty swell place. Your species share special complementary shapes and engage in particularly generous, sensuous coupling. I tried this once but we both agreed it was awkward.

While I am wildly sensual, as I am my own complement there can be none like me that are not myself. I surround myself with amazing friends and make the hijinks for my fans, but I cannot always hide my utter despair at being so uniquely alone. My noodly appendages dance only for you; there is no secret Other I hope to attract. I need you to love me, here, today, because there is no other polyp to take your place. I am the first, the last, the only; I am all of my people, and I love you.

It's flu vaccine season!!!

This is the amazing season where humans peer pressure each other into Doing the Right Thing. Polyp is here to help!

Taking my friends to get vaccinated. Some people need a little extra convincing.

Fever, aches, headache. I hear it's awful, all that snuffling. While I am immune to all disease, I am not immune to feeling sympathy for the immense, whiny suffering of others. And so yesterday I devoted myself to encouraging all my friends to get vaccinated. After a little cajoling, I think everyone agreed with me that getting vaccinated was the right thing to do. You can do your part too! Get vaccinated and take exciting, pro-vac pictures like the one above! Then you can e-mail them to me & I will post them on my blog & we can be vaccination buddies. Go team vac!

Puppy saves the day

Justify my love

I was recently invited to give a talk at a conference in Geneva. My research topics cover a staggering breadth of topics, ranging from sociology and biology to theoretical physics, astrology, and history, so it was hardly a surprise that I was asked to speak. The invitation was for me to discuss my recent findings regarding the true, goopy nature of the universe. I decided instead to present on an as-yet unpublished topic: an entirely new formulation of economic theory revolving around myself.

I hate travelling alone, so I asked this small plastic toy if it wanted to go with me. I'm really glad Puppy came with me because the Swiss are a fierce people. They rejected the central thesis of my work - this has never happened before - and were jeering at me before I even finished the introduction, entitled: "A Humble Response to the Supplicants." I don't think they even took the time to really understand what I was saying.

I was really upset after the conference. Even though I could have easily smothered their dissent with a few well-placed noodly appendages, what I truly wanted was their acceptance and friendship. And no amount of smothering people with goo can gain  you that.

 Luckily Puppy was there to see me through that dark time. Puppy likes it when I extrude myself onto him, as you can see here in this photo. Thanks, Puppy, for making everything ok again!

Learning to fly

Not shown: me, flying

Many readers have written in to say how amazing I am, how astonishing and creative my posts are. I am glad that my posts are out there for all my fans to read and enjoy. I usually just write up the most exciting parts of my day, because those are surely the most fun to read about. But today I would like to talk about all the hard work that goes into being a sentient ball of goo. I know it looks like I can just spontaneously form myself into any old thing like a ball of yarn or a kitten (and I can!) but sometimes getting the details just right can be a lot of hard work. It's worth it, though: the satisfaction of achieving precisely the right shape is tremendous.

Lately my friends and I have been trying to fly. I am at a tremendous advantage to them, because humans are pretty much fleshy water bottles with sticks, whereas I am continuously deformable. Still, it's pretty tricky. I thought at first that maybe I could transform myself into a giant bat-wing and flap away, but the bat-wing exhibited some performance problems, including poor control for pitch and yaw. It also did not photograph well.

This photo here shows my next design iteration. I hit upon the idea of improving stability by forming myself into a deranged blob with bat-wings. My blob design has excellent stability characteristics and is much more pleasing to the eye. But as you can see the wings are rather small and thin and I was not to leave the table.

Flying is pretty tough, even for someone as amazing as myself. I want to find a shape that is both aesthetically pleasing and can fly well. Rest assured, I'll keep working on this, and you'll be the first to know when I succeed. In the meantime, keep up the fan mail! I love you ALL!

Goofing around with Mr Hemisphere

After Mr Hemisphere gave me such a hard time in my last post, I decided we should make nice so I put him on my head and gave him a pony ride. A Polyp-Pony Ride that is! We had many adventures together and bonked into many things. Here I am stabbing myself with a piece of plastic.

Hemisphere and I go for a ride!

Hunting

Good times!

Sometimes my friends and I play a game called "hunting," where they run away from me and I try to absorb them. Here you can see that this pink lobstery-thing tried to shield itself from me with my friend the plastic hemisphere. Of course, I could always transform myself into a knife and cut through the hemisphere, or a laserbeam and fry him in place, or a nuclear explosion. But instead I decided to carefully work myself under the hemisphere-y thing. It took a long time, because even though it is just a piece of plastic the hemisphere is very clever and was fit just-so over the lobster. Eventually my hard work paid off and I was able to work my way in and absorb the lobster. Never underestimate the value of a good work ethic!

Later, I got tired and couldn't hold my shape anymore and the lobster went home. Circle of life.

Polyp Ennui

Ever have one of those days where you just don't want to get out of bed? Sometimes that happens to me, too, but for me holding any specific shape is an effort. I'm trying to hit the snooze button in this picture.

The face of ennui

On wickedness

The Last Great Coffee Adventure

I enjoy spending time with my many human friends. While I do not understand it, I am endlessly fascinated and delighted by their need to consume food. I am particularly enamored of the way they take their coffee: ritualistically, covetously, with pleasure.  Each person keeps their own special mug, just for themselves. They fill it with their custom brew: straight or with milk or sugar, just-so. Another adverb: jealously. Drinking someone else's drink is simply not done.

Now, in my study of Western Penology, I learned of the concept mens rea, or "guilty mind." Simply put, to be guilty of many crimes, you must be guilty of wickedness: you must know that what you are doing is wrong, and do it anyway.

So, I was aware of all this, but I also really, really wanted to try this so-human "coffee" drink. Is a sip of coffee stealing? Given how my friend feels about his coffee, emphatically, YES. But is it wrong? Is a sip so much to steal? Isn't this little bit of wrong also just a little bit of... awesome? Maybe it's wrong/awesome because I wanted a sip of his coffee.

Trying to look innocent. GUILTY MIND.

As a Polyp, I can be any shape and size. My potential for hugeness is unbounded. I could form myself into King Kong, seize my prize, and take it to the top of the Empire State Building. Once there I could delicately sip my coffee while swatting down a passing biplane or two, their machine guns CHUG-CHUG-CHUG-ing ineffectually at my impervious greatness.

But most of the time, I am small. It suits me just fine, especially when I'm having dark thoughts about black coffee. So here I am, a quick vanity shot before taking the plunge. My friend was distracted by Christmas and family. I leapt in...

Cold feet / Cosmic joke

... and out again, as quickly as my supple Polyp extrusions could take me. Such bitter blackness! Imagine, surrounded by coffee's dark wetness, unable to sense anything but acid and arabica. I lost my cool, sent out feelers in every direction. Finally I found purchase, pulled and pulled until I broke the surface. Light! Air! Dryness! I scrambled out and regained my composure.

Taking stock: this coffee adventure had been a sad failure: minutes of wanting, plotting, waiting for the right moment... for nothing. Crime does not pay. Indeed, crime is awful. Never again would I question the wisdom of the great thinkers on this.

Rind and pith cannot resist my will!

Or at least, that's what I thought, until I saw these tangerines...

Hi!

This is me!

I looked like this the other day. Today I am into some really transcendental stuff that would totally blow your mind if I could take a picture of it with your naive "camera" technology, but unfortunately my monitor insists on representing space as drably Euclidean so the pictures aren't really coming out right. If we could meet in person, I would totally unfurl my pan-dimensional kaleidoscope of noodly specialness to show you.