2013 Summer Movie Confusion

This year's crop of summer movies is causing more confusion than usual. In 2011, many people asked if I had guest-starred as Driller in Transformers 3; a most kind flattery but unfortunately not true. 2012 passed mostly without incident: while I admire their work, nobody would confuse me with Hulk or the abominations in Prometheus. Only a few crude imbeciles inquired about the mirror in Snow White and the Huntsman.

A number of characters in the 2013 movie season, however, bear a passing resemblance to me. Perhaps the success of my blog and facebook page have attracted Hollywood's eye? And why would they not be attracted? My adventures transcend time, space, and the beyond, but I am no mere adrenaline junky. I have also branched into documentary and romance. With a famous blog covering the whole of human experience, Hollywood ought to be copying me. It is their duty. I demand it.

Having said that, I would like to clear up a few misunderstandings about the 2013 movie season. For your reference, to the right is a picture of me dressed up like a slug.

1. I am not "Turbo"

Turbo is the underdog story of an ordinary Helix Aspersum with dreams of racing greatness. Turbo has adorable goofy eyes and a winning grin. I expect I will enjoy this movie tremendously when it is released in July. However, he is no Polyp: regular readers have no doubt already noted that I detest exoskeletons and will never again saddle myself with such an encumberance. While we are both optimistic dreamers with extraordinary gifts, I am compelled to point out that Turbo's are thrust upon him by dramatic necessity. The truth of my own gifts is a more complex tale.

2. I am neither Mub the slug nor Grub the snail in "Epic"

Magnificent creatures, both, but look closely: they have tiny eyes and are far too jiggly. They move like bloated water sacks, perhaps animated by Msrs. Navier and Stokes? And finally, for the life of me I cannot place their accents. I have traveled the world and never have I heard such astonishing speech, all rounded vowels and swagger. I must study this bizarre speech more.

3. Neither am I the slug in "Monster University"

This helpless creature offends me. I am not he, and I refuse to watch a movie that treats the wobbliest among us with such disrespect.

4. Am I the inspiration for Kaiju in "Pacific Rim"?

This seems much less clear to me. I have had my moments, after all. 

Watch this clip and decide for yourselves. Post in the comments or e-mail me and let me know what you think!