I finally watched "Turbo"

I read about snails so you don't have to!

If you enjoy children's movies as much as I do, then Turbo is sure to provide average-or-better entertainment value for about two-thirds of its 96 minute running time. In terms of movie-watching efficiency, it ranks well above tired retreads like Happy Feet and Toy Story, but is not as good as Up, How To Train Your Dragon, or house favorite Wall-E.

Mild Spoiler Alert, If You Are So Simple-Minded That You Are Unsure What Might Happen In This Movie, Which Obvious Thing Is Exactly What Happens By The Way, And You Do Not Wish To Find Out Just Yet, Yet You Still Expect Me To Provide You Entertainment, However Brief Or Mild, Which I Cannot Do If You Refuse To Work With Me, Then Against My Better Judgement I Will Still Pander To Your Selfish Needs: Please Enjoy This Video Titled, DUBSTEP PUKING RAINBOW GIRAFFES. You Can Thank Me In The Comments.

2013 Summer Movie Confusion

This year's crop of summer movies is causing more confusion than usual. In 2011, many people asked if I had guest-starred as Driller in Transformers 3; a most kind flattery but unfortunately not true. 2012 passed mostly without incident: while I admire their work, nobody would confuse me with Hulk or the abominations in Prometheus. Only a few crude imbeciles inquired about the mirror in Snow White and the Huntsman.

A number of characters in the 2013 movie season, however, bear a passing resemblance to me. Perhaps the success of my blog and facebook page have attracted Hollywood's eye? And why would they not be attracted? My adventures transcend time, space, and the beyond, but I am no mere adrenaline junky. I have also branched into documentary and romance. With a famous blog covering the whole of human experience, Hollywood ought to be copying me. It is their duty. I demand it.

Having said that, I would like to clear up a few misunderstandings about the 2013 movie season. For your reference, to the right is a picture of me dressed up like a slug.

1. I am not "Turbo"

Turbo is the underdog story of an ordinary Helix Aspersum with dreams of racing greatness. Turbo has adorable goofy eyes and a winning grin. I expect I will enjoy this movie tremendously when it is released in July. However, he is no Polyp: regular readers have no doubt already noted that I detest exoskeletons and will never again saddle myself with such an encumberance. While we are both optimistic dreamers with extraordinary gifts, I am compelled to point out that Turbo's are thrust upon him by dramatic necessity. The truth of my own gifts is a more complex tale.

2. I am neither Mub the slug nor Grub the snail in "Epic"

Magnificent creatures, both, but look closely: they have tiny eyes and are far too jiggly. They move like bloated water sacks, perhaps animated by Msrs. Navier and Stokes? And finally, for the life of me I cannot place their accents. I have traveled the world and never have I heard such astonishing speech, all rounded vowels and swagger. I must study this bizarre speech more.

3. Neither am I the slug in "Monster University"

This helpless creature offends me. I am not he, and I refuse to watch a movie that treats the wobbliest among us with such disrespect.

4. Am I the inspiration for Kaiju in "Pacific Rim"?

This seems much less clear to me. I have had my moments, after all. 

Watch this clip and decide for yourselves. Post in the comments or e-mail me and let me know what you think! 

I am surrounded by your poison but love will conquer all

I am not often criticized, but when I am it is usually by the cynical. "Polyp," they will say. "Polyp! Polyp! Polyp!" They want attention, like a child. "Polyp!!!" But of course they cannot get my attention with their tiresome ejaculations, because I do not pay heed to negativity.

Today, perhaps these wicked ones are saying, "you shouldn't be so trusting; remember what happened with the Pony?" or, "why did you take seven weeks off," or, "life is not a Disney movie!"

But life really is like a Disney movie, or at least like Seabiscuit. Because when you believe in yourself and empower others to be their best you unlock your own miraculous potential: to overcome adversity, to imagineer a better tomorrow. Spoiler alert: when Team Seabiscuit works together, they win at the game of life. So can you.

So when eager lips trip over themselves to share some poisonous observation, do not succumb to the temptation to dunk their heads in noodle soup while screaming "make better decisions!" Remember the tremendous blessing of your own imperfection and empower yourself to rise above with this little rhyme:

Sticks and stones
I have no bones
But names will only spur me to temporarily dissolve into a puddle of goo before rising up once more, greater and lovelier and temporarily filled with desire to shove your face in some noodle soup.

Doing good in the neighborhood

Be free and suffer no more, my friend

This photo makes me so, so sad. Who are you, mystery bauble? Why are you locked away in there with your bulbous eyes and eight-ball belly?

I vow to free you. I will free all of the plasticy-baubly-things!  I will send my great googly-eyes long and far searching for the evil beings who trapped your placid race;
they will soon hear my long polyp-moan haunting their dreams, a premonition of my coming!

Will they read the ill omen in the stars? I hope they do. I hope they see it, and pay final respects to their gods, because when I find them my ocean of rage will gloop down upon them and sweep them away, and I will consume them utterly; their breath I shall render into firmament, their bones into earth and their teeth into mountains; with their flesh I will create the trees and from their fat, the animals. With their souls I will ignite a sun, and into this new paradise my plasticy-baubly-friends will enter, and suffer no more.

Fan mail Q&A!

Anonymous asks in comments:

Polyp, what do you think of the human concept of culture? Do patterns in human behavior interest you as they manifest themselves culturally? Or do these delineations seem arbitrary at such an abstract level? I recall your observation that many human constructs were made out of fear for our "own cosmic insignificance." I tend to agree. But I wonder, would you say the same for culture? Is it an entirely useless concept?

What a complex, nuclear bomb of a question! I am glad you asked me this because there is a lot to unpack here.

I will start at the end and work my way backwards. You ask, "Is [culture] an entirely useless concept?" But your human language has failed you, because utility is necessarily tied to the individual, it is not a general truth. In a better language, you would be unable to even formulate that question.

To attempt an interpretation, perhaps you are asking, "Is [culture] an entirely useless concept to you [Polyp]?" and the answer is an emphatic no! If you could see past time and space and perceive and navigate ideas as partial realities, as I do, then you would perceive that my googly eyes are spread throughout your thought-spaces, your present and future creative, intellectual, and political output. I navigate this dynamic web of potentialities as I struggle against the warlike Blobimals and other, less savory things. As you create and strive, this space expands, becoming stronger and richer, like a tree growing roots in the soil. It is not useless.

Me vs The Blobimals in one of the infinite potentialities

Victory... for now

You are correct that I am not interested in the patterns of your behavior. I am interested in your particular, individual behaviors, and the interplay of ideas and emotions that result. Your cosmic fears drive you towards difficult sublime truths, some beautiful, some terrifying. Each of you discovers them in your own way. It is wonderful.

That some behaviors are repetitive means the discovered cultural tapestry has a familiar, human feel. I have learned, from careful study, that the patterns are not arbitrary: they are ancient and well-known. They vary over time but are so self-similar as to be classifiable and predictable. But I do not bother too much to study the larger patterns; instead I exalt in each thread and its intersections.

Readers, what do you think? Is culture useful to you? Is aggregated human behavior more meaningful than the individual? What if individuals are self-similar?

Let me share with you my thoughts on exoskeletons: part 2

This is the second post in a multi-part series on exoskeletons. Please see part one for important background information!

Selecting the right exoskeleton

Finding the right exoskeleton is tough. First, you have to find something that is big enough for you and all of your personal items.

Below you can see some of the first shells I tried on. While of course I can fit into any enclosure I wish, I decided to stay at the size you are accustomed to seeing me at. This way my friends and I are optimally framed in photographs.

Mr Hatisphere

Come one come all!

Hemisphere just said something really funny

As you can see, Mr Hemisphere makes for a handsome shell. He is also great fun to hang out with. However, he can also be a bit of a loose cannon and I feel that it is important to keep well-defined boundaries with him. What if my exoskeleton snuck off in the middle of the night to go to clubbing? Mr Hemisphere, I am afraid to say, is a bit of a flibbertigibbet.

Perfection is boring

So I found some slightly larger, totally inanimate pieces of plastic to call home. The two pieces complemented each other quite nicely, and when assembled just-so clearly delineated an "inside" and an "outside." This inside/outside distinction was just what I was looking for! And so I spent some time with the plastics, in both the "closed" inside/outside construction and the "open" or "ambiguous" form.

For a while, we were happy together. But while theoretically perfect, the plastics lacked the breezy charm of Mr Hemisphere and I soon grew bored with them. Yes, I had it all, and I threw it away! Theirs was a stale perfection, an unbearable trap: I hunger for the stimulation of imperfection -  the romance of conflict - the gradual unearthing of that which was obscured. These perfect plastics, transparent, open (closed), and without guile: they would not do. And so I left the plastics to continue my search... alone.

Come back, Mr Hemisphere!

Will I, Polyp, ever find just the right exoskeleton? What lessons will I learn? Do I still hate bugs? STAY TUNED FOR PART 3!!!

Let me share with you my thoughts on exoskeletons: part 1

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about this question: "what are your thoughts on exoskeletons?"

This is not such a simple question! At first I was tempted to post this glib response:

"""Exoskeletons are rigid external coverings that burden their bearers at each point in time with a well-defined position and volume. They are closed, defining an "inside" and an "outside."  

As regular readers know, I am my own complement. As a result, I find it difficult to think about concrete spatial concepts like "closed" and "open." I prefer to think about the space between us as an invitation to explore, a place to extrude and play. 

The idea that someone would choose to embody the concept of closedness in its person is abhorrent to me, because they are closing off that invitation. "Don't play in here," they are saying. 

In short, I find exoskeletons morally and intellectually repellent."""

But then I thought about it for a while, and I realized that some of the world's most successful species have exoskeletons! Sure, maybe ants and termites are boring, but beetles come in an astonishing variety of shapes and colors, just like me!

So I decided to put my entomophobia aside and spend some time with an exoskeleton. "Pack your bags!" I told my friends. "And hold on to your apodemes! We are moving into an exoskeleton!"

-- keep your feelers looking out for part 2, coming soon!
-- thanks again to wikipedia for the image! photo credit goes to Fir0002/Flagstaffotos