2013 Summer Movie Confusion

This year's crop of summer movies is causing more confusion than usual. In 2011, many people asked if I had guest-starred as Driller in Transformers 3; a most kind flattery but unfortunately not true. 2012 passed mostly without incident: while I admire their work, nobody would confuse me with Hulk or the abominations in Prometheus. Only a few crude imbeciles inquired about the mirror in Snow White and the Huntsman.

A number of characters in the 2013 movie season, however, bear a passing resemblance to me. Perhaps the success of my blog and facebook page have attracted Hollywood's eye? And why would they not be attracted? My adventures transcend time, space, and the beyond, but I am no mere adrenaline junky. I have also branched into documentary and romance. With a famous blog covering the whole of human experience, Hollywood ought to be copying me. It is their duty. I demand it.

Having said that, I would like to clear up a few misunderstandings about the 2013 movie season. For your reference, to the right is a picture of me dressed up like a slug.

1. I am not "Turbo"

Turbo is the underdog story of an ordinary Helix Aspersum with dreams of racing greatness. Turbo has adorable goofy eyes and a winning grin. I expect I will enjoy this movie tremendously when it is released in July. However, he is no Polyp: regular readers have no doubt already noted that I detest exoskeletons and will never again saddle myself with such an encumberance. While we are both optimistic dreamers with extraordinary gifts, I am compelled to point out that Turbo's are thrust upon him by dramatic necessity. The truth of my own gifts is a more complex tale.

2. I am neither Mub the slug nor Grub the snail in "Epic"

Magnificent creatures, both, but look closely: they have tiny eyes and are far too jiggly. They move like bloated water sacks, perhaps animated by Msrs. Navier and Stokes? And finally, for the life of me I cannot place their accents. I have traveled the world and never have I heard such astonishing speech, all rounded vowels and swagger. I must study this bizarre speech more.

3. Neither am I the slug in "Monster University"

This helpless creature offends me. I am not he, and I refuse to watch a movie that treats the wobbliest among us with such disrespect.

4. Am I the inspiration for Kaiju in "Pacific Rim"?

This seems much less clear to me. I have had my moments, after all. 

Watch this clip and decide for yourselves. Post in the comments or e-mail me and let me know what you think! 

I am surrounded by your poison but love will conquer all

I am not often criticized, but when I am it is usually by the cynical. "Polyp," they will say. "Polyp! Polyp! Polyp!" They want attention, like a child. "Polyp!!!" But of course they cannot get my attention with their tiresome ejaculations, because I do not pay heed to negativity.

Today, perhaps these wicked ones are saying, "you shouldn't be so trusting; remember what happened with the Pony?" or, "why did you take seven weeks off," or, "life is not a Disney movie!"

But life really is like a Disney movie, or at least like Seabiscuit. Because when you believe in yourself and empower others to be their best you unlock your own miraculous potential: to overcome adversity, to imagineer a better tomorrow. Spoiler alert: when Team Seabiscuit works together, they win at the game of life. So can you.

So when eager lips trip over themselves to share some poisonous observation, do not succumb to the temptation to dunk their heads in noodle soup while screaming "make better decisions!" Remember the tremendous blessing of your own imperfection and empower yourself to rise above with this little rhyme:

Sticks and stones
I have no bones
But names will only spur me to temporarily dissolve into a puddle of goo before rising up once more, greater and lovelier and temporarily filled with desire to shove your face in some noodle soup.